Evolving....

I have been a total stranger here and it's not because of a lack of interest or a lack of analyzing, I'd say it's quite the contrary: too much happens and I feel passionate (again) about too many things!

During the autumn and winter I felt I was lacking passion, I felt I was bored and uninspired and I couldn't really figure out why and almost felt I didn't care why - I just was.
After having talked about it with a couple of friends I did, however, have to face that it DID matter why, simply because you cannot change what you don't acknowledge. I didn't quite get it and maybe still today not totally but in a way....
Yeah, that sounds unclear, I know.

I decided to take on an approach I decided on when my marriage wasn't "all that" during a period in life: I'll create what I want. Really like: if you want something - go get it!
That is for sure easier said than done, especially when it comes to more complex "wantings". Fixing a routined marriage went very well and all that really needed was the decision and the effort and motivation - having put that in place the marriage suddenly went from a "6 out of 10" to a "10 out of 10". Communication and applying yourself goes a long way.

How do I fix not being inspired, huh??
That took some thinking about. Work had too many deadlines and tasks that needed just doing and doing and doing. I couldn't not do it, so nothing to change there.
I needed brand new passion in my very personal inner life and decided that this spring I'll find that, I must find it or this whole life I have can't continue the same way. It was that important to me. I needed the glow back into my soul.
Even though I didn't feel like it, I took up my novel writing again. I also started forcing myself to search and find both old and new music that would ignite me. I also decided to indulge in one thing I'd never allowed myself to indulge in before: fashion and clothes. On top of it all, I decided to try painting, despite of the point of view I had, that I could not do it.

As simple as it may seem, it worked. I these day love putting out ensembles every night before going to bed, knowing I'll feel good wearing it the next day (especially vintage finds, that are easy on the environment and on my wallet). The commute rides went from nice to fabulous listening to my old hiphop favorites and new music I love, that I didn't know existed. And just recently I finished my very first painting, that looks something like I hoped it would and I love it. I will definitely continue with that.

This shows me that I can have passion and inspiration if I want to, I can never just mourn that it goes away. It takes a lot but it's worth it.
One day my novel will be finished and after that agonizingly painful writing (that that topic is), maybe I'll write something that is even more inviting to write?!

Having a reason to really long home and feeling like I can't wait to get home has defintaley changed my weeks and therefore my life. At this age I'm in, just after 40, life shows itself as the very limited process that it is and I simply can't afford to waste a single day. That's how I feel. I must live to the fullest every day and I must lead a life that has value and meaning, for me and for others, every day or I will feel blue and uninspired.

All this work and all this thinking and wondering has awarded me a great marriage and an inspired everyday life. It's mind-blowing to me that I decided I could have it, and I got it!

That's all, folks!

Love, from me!
/C, formerly known as A ;-)

"The very thing I love is what's killing me and I can't conquer it"

Yes, that's what Eminem raps in the fab  song "Monster".
I instantly froze when I heard it, cause THAT'S it! That's the feeling, the circle, the closure maybe even, that I have been searching my inside for, for so many years. That's the dilemma, that's the big question for me as well as a big answer.
That's also what makes me feel I can relate to so much of the poetry signed Eminem or Marshall Mathers. That's the genius, or part of it, that he offers: he puts into words emotions and enigmas that are so deep or so unknown it would seem impossible to.

That's brilliant!

Here's my take on it:

It seems when things are hard in life, they are very emotinally demanding for me, since I'm one of those people that feel emotions strongly. I feel fear, worry or sadness strongly but I also feel happiness, anticipation and enthusiasm strongly - a roller coeaster, kind of and never ever boring!
So, when things are hard at work I can very well cry in the evenings or Sundays and feel I might just quit (of course I never do) and then the weirdness occurs when things are just smooth: I get utterly bored!!! That equation made me think there was something wrong with my brain, almost. Then Marshall's lyrics hit me and I understood the whole concept: those horrible times that make me weep and squirm and have nightmares are also the experiences that I learn from and grow from and that growth is a huge kick for me, it's something I must have and need in order to have a full and evolving life.
At the same time I feel these horrors kill me when they occur: I can't sleep, I feel nauseated I have nightmares when I do sleep and still... Boredom is worse. When nothing happens I feel blue.

I've read some Paulo Coelho lately and I've found that he regards these very topics too, sometimes, and so I guess it is part of life.
I also know that not all people feel this, my husband doesn't.
Maybe it is like Marshall says in an interview with "Rolling stone" magazine:
-If my parents would have been different maybe I wouldn't have been so fucked up?
This I'll never know, of course, I just know that I am fucked up in the same way. Sometimes it seems that it might kill me all these emotions and at the same time the kicks lift me way up into the universe after my latest victory, even when the victory is simply having lived through a failure.
Do you get what I'm trying to say?

I've noticed this, about me, lately:
I come across as happy-go-lucky and cheery. I come across as warm and considerate. That's stage one when people meet me.
Those that get to know me a little more will later notice that I'm flexible and easy to get along with and co-work with. They will also see that I'm full of emotions, 'cuz I'll react stronger than some when it comes to making decisions that will affect people in a bad way and for sure dislike delivering bad news, that will make me squirm.
After having seen that about me (and often thinking "aha, that's it, that's her we got her now") there comes the strong assertive side that will put that foot down with an impact and that usually creates silence in a whole room, since it's that unexpected!
I rarely do it but when I do..... I mean business.
I have all these "me:s" inside and I wasn't really clear about that until now, after six months on my new job. A job that has been damanding, to say the least, for me and a challenge in all of the above. I've made hard decisions that made people sad and mad, I've delivered harsh news that made people cry and I've cried a whole lot too, both at home and twice at work!!! Jeez and go figure.
I've despaired and then after a process I've felt invinsible and like a new me over and over.
It's fascinating.
I hate it and love it - will never conquer it.

There it is, finally put in writing.
I can never get it into a sentence as brilliantly put as Eminen but that sentence sunk deep into my soul.

Have a fab week all of you out there!
If anyone has a thought to share on this subject I'd be thrilled to hear it, since it's on my mind daily.

/C, formerly known as A ;-)

Boy, do I love to be able to feel such joy!

Buckets of hope!!

Well hello - Blogger and I are in disagreement, that post was not due.... Yet! I hadn't had time to finish.

Sorry.

New buckets will arrive. In due time :-)

Peace out!

Having "it all".

When I read Paulo Coelho's words on visions and goals (went something like: "Once they were visions and dreams, now you've made them come true") I immediately thought of Jada Pinkett Smith's words when she talked of "having it all", emphazising that "it all" means different things for everybody. I liked that and I agree, with both statements.

I sunk into Paulo's words and thought back, way back at first, to when I was a kid and dreamed of an exciting life with travels and a handsome and smart and loving husband. Semi-way-back, when I for sure had found that husband kind of recently, we'd both dream of living in a house with some kind of garden and maybe having a child together and a dog.
I'd dream, very secretly, of working as a manager, mainly because it seemed very difficult and equally exciting. My husband would dream of getting a PhD.
Today we live in a small house, with an even smaller garden  - but it IS a garden! We have a son and a dog and I work as a manager and have done so for over six years. My husband got his PhD and is now in the process of fullfilling yet another very old dream: one of studying to become an economist (he got a job already as an economist).

When I got to thinking about all this I felt it was actually mindblowing and I couldn't comprehend that I didn't think about it more often! I mean, they were distant dreams and goals and almost all we could think about and talk about, especially the house part. Now we live it. What happened? Why don't we rejoice like crazy all the time? We're living the dream and we sure have "it all". We're insanely in love also, still after 15 years, it's incredible!

Another even more sought after and essential thing that I would dream about, was a life without fear. I have that too, since six years.
Unbelievable.

So, you see why Paulo's and Jada's words struck me!

We live our dreams and we have it all and I am very happy about that, I often think about how lucky I am. At the same time it amazes me that we seem to not even notice when we reach our dreams. It seems to be the same phenomenon as the one that strikes us, in a bad way, when we slide into toxic relationships and don't quite understand when "a relationship" turns into a "bad relationship" and then "a dangerous relationship".
It's mysterious boundaries that are strong and visible at first but turn invisible at a certain point.
Life, eh?!

So, I'd suggest you take a minute to think about all the goals and dreams you made come true. I'd love for you to share one or two with me, if you'd like!

Love, me.

When bad things happen to good people

I've recently spoken about that "good thing we don't what's to come".

How true it is.

When the woman I count as my closest friend found out she has cancer, the day before New Year's Eve, I sure wanted to turn the process of time and make go backwards.

There's nothing to say, nothing to do.

There's only hugging and listening, nothing else.

There's fear and chock, there's hopelessness and hope.

And there's the "why?".

Why her? She's had a hard enough life. She's such a very good person: generous, kind and loving.

It's not fair and I know: life isn't fair,

Of course she'll beat it, I know she will.

All you out there: appreciate every minute with those you love. Please.

I shall not whine over knees or tire, I shall be there for my friend and offer love and my ears.

The new year will mean new challenges for us all, please take excellent care of yourselves and those you treasure.

/ me

The yearly summing: year 2013!

Every year I sum up what the blog can tell me about the year that has passed.

Not everything can be read in the blog, of course, but it sure tells a pretty good story about my life, over a year.
Ready? Here goes:


JANUARY
January was apparently ice cold and snowy, so unlike this year!
I conclude that winter is good because it's cold and raw and I realize that you only forget your mittens and hat once - you won't do it a second time, 'cuz honey you freeze stuff off almost...!
It seems like a good January and a calm one. I enjoyed the snow and the lack of colours and the icy nails in the face bicycling to the gym.

I concluded I missed the Blackbirds's singing and I rejoiced upon at least seeing them.

I anticipated starting redoing The Boy's room.... Wow, seems like eons ago!

 

FEBRUARY
In February I asked if maybe it's "forever winter"?! It seems like that's the general thought in the blog around that time: will winter ever end?
The Boy and I started watching The Eurovision Song Contest-trials and had a blast!

Haha, I see I transformed the livingroom into the famous Lounge in February: well done me!!

I felt very lucky being a mama to my two boys, who are always and ever positive and warm hearted, which are thee most important ways of being there are, I think.

I poached eggs for the first time in my life, in February year 2013 :-D It was fun.
I seemed to have been very very tired all the time also. Maybe because of the ordeals I had lived through since I started the job there and that I had just managed? Must be it!

I got a gut feeling about spring, it seems, and it was due to the birds's return. It seemed they started making some noise about that time.

Snow, snow and more snow was the theme and even the dog looks like he has had it, in the pics!
I kept doing The Boy's room and of course I wanted that to come together soon. I'm very impatient as a person and have a hard time with long projects...

I clearly remember the blueness I felt that winter period, after having had the flu lying in bed watching five seasons of "Miami Vice". It must have been the aftermath of the forty year crisis and it never went away totally, I always dwell on how fast time flies, these days. But that doesn't bring me down anymore, just is always present.

I see that my "new communication" skills started in February and hubs 200% studying helped that process: I upped and said I needed something and demanded it! Well done me, again!
Things were in motion in more ways than one, it seems... Spring was lurking and a new and severely improved me was, too.

MARCH
A beach visit! My own needs got more room, I see.

I snapped out of the blueness, I read. I apparently got some writing done in process too. Well done me... again... Yeah, you get the picture ;-)

I talked to my firstborn on the phone and developed wings and flew off into the skies. My heart did and that was the ultimate push out of blueness.

I exclaimed that spring had arrived - right in the middle of all that snow! I guess I had it inside me more than outside? :-D Apparently flies were inside and some plants showed up, huh! Good thing.

Of course I was right: the next post showed tiny spring flowers, growing in the snow.

And then winter hit again and hit hard!! We were dealt another hand of thick snow.
Impatiently - with a twist of patience - I said we'd wait a few more days for spring.

APRIL
Came April, came giving up! The snowing wouldn't end!!!

We took a trip to the old hometown, through heaps of snow, and I got to see my firstborn. Hubs and I stayed at a hotel, visited friends for dinner and enjoyd rare time together. A good trip.
Easter came and went and it was still COLD.

April 14:th I reported hearing those bird mamas that live above our garden door. Even if tiny specks of ice was still left, this must have been the starting point. Surely!

Finally nature seemed to wake up, alongside our frozen souls and we celebrated with a first fika outside!
(and then hail showed - I kid you not!!!)

I joked about Scandi folks trying to force spring by dressing in spring attire but nothing worked - Mrs Spring would not be rushed!

So, finally, April 21:st I wrote this: The shift has come: we've gone from winter to spring!
It has finally happened and it feels like a whirlwind inside of me. It chills, thrills, chuckles and rejoices - I feel so happy and so anticipating!
Good for me.

My husband and I had a magical perfect date, bicycling to town, stopping to admire this gorgeous town and the perfection of our lives.
In the end of April Mr Funkie enjoyed spring winds blowing his ears, enjoying the outdoors again, listening to both the birds and the neighbours....

I loved being at a place in time where the best is yet to come, speaking both of spring and of my entire life.

At the end of April I wrote:
We've all been hibernating and it feels like resurrection finally being able to be OUTSIDE!!

MAY
May starts with Valborg, celebrated on the last evening of April, yearly. The Boy spent it with friends, of course, with his mama lurking in the background with his friend's mama :-)

I write about my own enthusiastic way of being that increases when spring comes and goes from enthused to ecstatic!! Good way to be, I think. Well, of course I do ;-)

Anticipating summer now....

Regarding life and love and relationships. Starting out with my marriage, regarding it hard, appreciating it. The time has come for a shift in this blog: from diary towards thinking cap.

I bucked two off my bucket list in May: jogging one swedish mile (10 km) and watching ESC live (Eurovision Song Contest). Little did I know then - as life will often have it - that that 10 km-jogging would ruin my knees forever, destroying my exercising for the rest of that year. And then some... But, one thing at the time...

JUNE
June started out with thinking about "feeling at home". What's needed to feel at home where you live? Thinking about how good it is to make a fresh start together, as a couple, when you move far away. Leaving the old area was hard but necessary and I and my hubs both learned some from the experience.

I write about an interesting conversation I had with a fellow leader, in which we talked about the messaging we were given as kids: that the way we both were, was wrong. We went through hell and back and got strong and successful and concluded those adults were wrong.
There I went again, thinking, analyzing. It definately was a new path for me.

June brought me the fantastic new role model Jada Pinkett Smith! She would mean a whole lot in 2013.

I talked about "doing me" in June and I got word I got a new job/mission which was extended than the previous so I realized that doing me would be the only way. Thankfully, again, I had no idea at that time how hard and how intense and difficult the autumn would prove to be... No no, no rushing ahead!

I kept the raw blog posts up, discussing parenting and step parenting and lack of love. Processes going on inside and the feeling of importance to write about important stuff that other can take something away from, maybe or my sons might, one day?

I ended June on quite the serious note with the imaginary topic "what if you had one day left to live". That topic reached out a bit and touched a few, including myself. Worth thinking about over and over again. A life in a day. A life in every day, is what I totally aim for.

 

 

JULY
Melancholy and time flying. Again. That must be named the theme of 2013 for me, I guess? Incredible how often I seem to have thought about that!!

VACATION! All good.

I spoke of inner walls and mine that sometimes stops me from speaking my mind. I told the little tale of the male locker room and when I sure as hell put my foot down! And ended long time bullshit right then and there.
I would prove to do that once more in a similar situation, as far as my son and his friends and their parents were concerned, this blessed year of 2013...!!
My hubs also tore an old, hard wall down this passed summer - life is weird and fine, huh?!

I would allow my soul to be lifted by summer vacation, I wrote <3

We welcomed treasured friends for a week and had an intense blast...!
I thought some about friendships and having to start finding new friends after moving.

There was a huge giant happiness about being on vaca. Deep, thriving happiness.

The Boy had a great eighth birthday also, of course.

AUGUST
I started August up with these words:

"This forty business, what is that all about?
I've experienced that I'm calmer, more harmonic, more at ease and more content after 40.
I'm also even more intensely present in every moment and every day, than I ever was before. And I was kind of known for being so good at being present, even before.
I think it has got something to do with death!"

Reading the posts of year 2013 another thing stands clear: I started to grasping who I am. Not who I ought to be, want to be or others think I should be but who this person that is me really is. It shines through between the lines. It's quite amazing taking part of my own process, now at the very end of the year.

The good news that hubs got A JOB was the best thing about the vaca time, I'm not totally sure when we got word but it was splendid news!

In August I started having nightmares before going "back to" work, because I wasn't going "back", I was going to something new and nightmares are tell tale signs of that kind of change for me.

I was spot on writing this, August 11:th:
"I bet I don't swing for the fence if I say we'll be tired folks this autumn?! But happy!"

Oh my, how tired we were to be this autumn.... Yeah I know, getting ahead of me again!

More good shit coming from my "pen" on August 11:th:

"Funnily enough we have never been as much in love as we are right now and have been the last six months. It seems when the going gets tough the tough sure gets loving and every minute or hour we get to have together are times we treasure so much, that we actually do celebrate them! And that does wonder for the marriage."

I spoke of greatness in my post, in August, and the kind of greatness that comes from almost dying but making it. And, I guess, the self asteemm that arises from it too?! That people who get close to my firstborn son usually want to stay by him, he is great in that way.

I spoke of love, happiness and gratitude.

SEPTEMBER
Another season shift had come.
Calmer pace, no more sun lotion, no more BBQ:ing or eating out but softer, calmer and more gentle. Not as social.

Even though I spoke of passion in September, about the passion of creating together with others. I spoke of meetings at work where I felt buds blooming inside my chest only to grow out of my heart in full sparkle! That is something. Passionate!

Hubs and I celebrated 15 years together in the end of August and in a September I actually wrote that I felt like I was in a deram all the time - even at 05:15 in the morning, getting up for work! Amazing! But I remember it now, that feeling of utter joy and heavenly happiness. I felt it.
I felt like a teenager in love and that has not ended yet, come December 30:th and I still do!!

OCTOBER
I started out with an hopefull effort at work: early bedtime! What a cute and brilliant little idea - I'll force myself to bed earlier.
Good intention, me.

I offered some September pics in October - was slipping in pace already, it seems....

I regarded the "différence" between hubs and I, where I feel stuff and he thinks stuff.

In October a friend totally let me down, making me face music that was hers and that in affairs of the law. Totally unexpected and such a disapoointment to me, I had thought more of her than that.

The Boy had his b-day party with a friend, we bought a new lounge chair, I started to trust my heart. Little stuff like that took place.

Pain - gain can lead you anywhere - there's no stopping those who live it and scrutinize themselves, seems to be an October conclusion.

NOVEMBER
The tire of October got multiplied many times in November and the one blog post goes to show just that. The cute idea of early bedtimes had already become a necessity - there was no option. By the month of November I had to go with each day and see it through: work wise mostly and I sure depended on my husband to make the private life come together, cause there simply wasn't enough me to go around.
There wasn't enough him eiher with full time work side by side with full time studies.
I don't know how we made this part of winter at all?
The Boy miraculously didn't feel (too) neglected I think but I have no idea how come.

"Tire" and "busy" took on new meanings for me.

People close to me in blood decided to "mess" with me big time that very month and that was it, I had had it. I marked my boundariesa calmly and ever so firmly and all hell broke lose.
Be that as it may, I stood firm.
I discovered a new role model: Eminem! Boy is he a genius!!!!!

November I got rid of my Facebook account and those 500 friends and relatives and I "Said goodbye to Hollywood" (look the lyrics up: Eminem) my way. Enough of thinking of what people may think. Enough of always being cheery and very official. In with new genuineness and more of me and doing me. That's what November came to be. This is me - like it or take a hike- kinda thing :-)

DECEMBER
Toughing stuff out at work at the same time you do it in your private life (which mostly takes place at a commute train and in between trains, some sleeping in bed) lends perspective to the concept of being "tired". At one of the last meetings of the season I found myself whispering the name of my unit in my brain right before I was going to tell some folks about it, because I was so tired I knew I might forget the name otherwise.
I knew that 16 days off would rescue me, come Christmas. I also knew I would not prioritize anything at all x-mas wise, only focus on making goal, which meant doing all those must-do's I had.
And I did. A miracle, because I was almost crawling the floor those last days before vaca...

We made new friends in December!
Well, I made it happen during that godawful fall gone winter time...! A great colleague who is in my management group and who shares my MBTI-profile - can you imagine?! He feels the way I feel about stuff, and small surprise: his wife thinks about stuff the way my husband does :-) Great new friends, right here in the south!
Almost unbelievable, but none the less true. And during that crawling stage we went there for dinner.

First day of vaca I managed to get up, walk downstairs and then lie down on the floor and almost cry from tire but laughing instead. It then took seven days to unwind (while continuing with some work whether I wanted to or not - it's the new job deal).

After x-mas and b-day, here I sit feeling all "off duty". With a slight fever but relaxed.
December.

Next year's pace? I've marked times in my work calender as "unbookable", I shall take charge of he pace this spring. I kid you not. Hard processes and difficult situations, there will be, it comes with the job but there will be no crawling come June.


THAT was the year of 2013.
Lots of feeling and quite a lot of thinking too. Analyzing, regarding, concluding, growing, changing, marking boundaries. Keywords for the year.
What will 2014 hold, I wonder?!