Sunday, June 29, 2014


I have been a total stranger here and it's not because of a lack of interest or a lack of analyzing, I'd say it's quite the contrary: too much happens and I feel passionate (again) about too many things!

During the autumn and winter I felt I was lacking passion, I felt I was bored and uninspired and I couldn't really figure out why and almost felt I didn't care why - I just was.
After having talked about it with a couple of friends I did, however, have to face that it DID matter why, simply because you cannot change what you don't acknowledge. I didn't quite get it and maybe still today not totally but in a way....
Yeah, that sounds unclear, I know.

I decided to take on an approach I decided on when my marriage wasn't "all that" during a period in life: I'll create what I want. Really like: if you want something - go get it!
That is for sure easier said than done, especially when it comes to more complex "wantings". Fixing a routined marriage went very well and all that really needed was the decision and the effort and motivation - having put that in place the marriage suddenly went from a "6 out of 10" to a "10 out of 10". Communication and applying yourself goes a long way.

How do I fix not being inspired, huh??
That took some thinking about. Work had too many deadlines and tasks that needed just doing and doing and doing. I couldn't not do it, so nothing to change there.
I needed brand new passion in my very personal inner life and decided that this spring I'll find that, I must find it or this whole life I have can't continue the same way. It was that important to me. I needed the glow back into my soul.
Even though I didn't feel like it, I took up my novel writing again. I also started forcing myself to search and find both old and new music that would ignite me. I also decided to indulge in one thing I'd never allowed myself to indulge in before: fashion and clothes. On top of it all, I decided to try painting, despite of the point of view I had, that I could not do it.

As simple as it may seem, it worked. I these day love putting out ensembles every night before going to bed, knowing I'll feel good wearing it the next day (especially vintage finds, that are easy on the environment and on my wallet). The commute rides went from nice to fabulous listening to my old hiphop favorites and new music I love, that I didn't know existed. And just recently I finished my very first painting, that looks something like I hoped it would and I love it. I will definitely continue with that.

This shows me that I can have passion and inspiration if I want to, I can never just mourn that it goes away. It takes a lot but it's worth it.
One day my novel will be finished and after that agonizingly painful writing (that that topic is), maybe I'll write something that is even more inviting to write?!

Having a reason to really long home and feeling like I can't wait to get home has defintaley changed my weeks and therefore my life. At this age I'm in, just after 40, life shows itself as the very limited process that it is and I simply can't afford to waste a single day. That's how I feel. I must live to the fullest every day and I must lead a life that has value and meaning, for me and for others, every day or I will feel blue and uninspired.

All this work and all this thinking and wondering has awarded me a great marriage and an inspired everyday life. It's mind-blowing to me that I decided I could have it, and I got it!

That's all, folks!

Love, from me!
/C, formerly known as A ;-)

Sunday, February 16, 2014

"The very thing I love is what's killing me and I can't conquer it"

Yes, that's what Eminem raps in the fab  song "Monster".
I instantly froze when I heard it, cause THAT'S it! That's the feeling, the circle, the closure maybe even, that I have been searching my inside for, for so many years. That's the dilemma, that's the big question for me as well as a big answer.
That's also what makes me feel I can relate to so much of the poetry signed Eminem or Marshall Mathers. That's the genius, or part of it, that he offers: he puts into words emotions and enigmas that are so deep or so unknown it would seem impossible to.

That's brilliant!

Here's my take on it:

It seems when things are hard in life, they are very emotinally demanding for me, since I'm one of those people that feel emotions strongly. I feel fear, worry or sadness strongly but I also feel happiness, anticipation and enthusiasm strongly - a roller coeaster, kind of and never ever boring!
So, when things are hard at work I can very well cry in the evenings or Sundays and feel I might just quit (of course I never do) and then the weirdness occurs when things are just smooth: I get utterly bored!!! That equation made me think there was something wrong with my brain, almost. Then Marshall's lyrics hit me and I understood the whole concept: those horrible times that make me weep and squirm and have nightmares are also the experiences that I learn from and grow from and that growth is a huge kick for me, it's something I must have and need in order to have a full and evolving life.
At the same time I feel these horrors kill me when they occur: I can't sleep, I feel nauseated I have nightmares when I do sleep and still... Boredom is worse. When nothing happens I feel blue.

I've read some Paulo Coelho lately and I've found that he regards these very topics too, sometimes, and so I guess it is part of life.
I also know that not all people feel this, my husband doesn't.
Maybe it is like Marshall says in an interview with "Rolling stone" magazine:
-If my parents would have been different maybe I wouldn't have been so fucked up?
This I'll never know, of course, I just know that I am fucked up in the same way. Sometimes it seems that it might kill me all these emotions and at the same time the kicks lift me way up into the universe after my latest victory, even when the victory is simply having lived through a failure.
Do you get what I'm trying to say?

I've noticed this, about me, lately:
I come across as happy-go-lucky and cheery. I come across as warm and considerate. That's stage one when people meet me.
Those that get to know me a little more will later notice that I'm flexible and easy to get along with and co-work with. They will also see that I'm full of emotions, 'cuz I'll react stronger than some when it comes to making decisions that will affect people in a bad way and for sure dislike delivering bad news, that will make me squirm.
After having seen that about me (and often thinking "aha, that's it, that's her we got her now") there comes the strong assertive side that will put that foot down with an impact and that usually creates silence in a whole room, since it's that unexpected!
I rarely do it but when I do..... I mean business.
I have all these "me:s" inside and I wasn't really clear about that until now, after six months on my new job. A job that has been damanding, to say the least, for me and a challenge in all of the above. I've made hard decisions that made people sad and mad, I've delivered harsh news that made people cry and I've cried a whole lot too, both at home and twice at work!!! Jeez and go figure.
I've despaired and then after a process I've felt invinsible and like a new me over and over.
It's fascinating.
I hate it and love it - will never conquer it.

There it is, finally put in writing.
I can never get it into a sentence as brilliantly put as Eminen but that sentence sunk deep into my soul.

Have a fab week all of you out there!
If anyone has a thought to share on this subject I'd be thrilled to hear it, since it's on my mind daily.

/C, formerly known as A ;-)

Boy, do I love to be able to feel such joy!

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Buckets of hope!!

Well hello - Blogger and I are in disagreement, that post was not due.... Yet! I hadn't had time to finish.


New buckets will arrive. In due time :-)

Peace out!

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Having "it all".

When I read Paulo Coelho's words on visions and goals (went something like: "Once they were visions and dreams, now you've made them come true") I immediately thought of Jada Pinkett Smith's words when she talked of "having it all", emphazising that "it all" means different things for everybody. I liked that and I agree, with both statements.

I sunk into Paulo's words and thought back, way back at first, to when I was a kid and dreamed of an exciting life with travels and a handsome and smart and loving husband. Semi-way-back, when I for sure had found that husband kind of recently, we'd both dream of living in a house with some kind of garden and maybe having a child together and a dog.
I'd dream, very secretly, of working as a manager, mainly because it seemed very difficult and equally exciting. My husband would dream of getting a PhD.
Today we live in a small house, with an even smaller garden  - but it IS a garden! We have a son and a dog and I work as a manager and have done so for over six years. My husband got his PhD and is now in the process of fullfilling yet another very old dream: one of studying to become an economist (he got a job already as an economist).

When I got to thinking about all this I felt it was actually mindblowing and I couldn't comprehend that I didn't think about it more often! I mean, they were distant dreams and goals and almost all we could think about and talk about, especially the house part. Now we live it. What happened? Why don't we rejoice like crazy all the time? We're living the dream and we sure have "it all". We're insanely in love also, still after 15 years, it's incredible!

Another even more sought after and essential thing that I would dream about, was a life without fear. I have that too, since six years.

So, you see why Paulo's and Jada's words struck me!

We live our dreams and we have it all and I am very happy about that, I often think about how lucky I am. At the same time it amazes me that we seem to not even notice when we reach our dreams. It seems to be the same phenomenon as the one that strikes us, in a bad way, when we slide into toxic relationships and don't quite understand when "a relationship" turns into a "bad relationship" and then "a dangerous relationship".
It's mysterious boundaries that are strong and visible at first but turn invisible at a certain point.
Life, eh?!

So, I'd suggest you take a minute to think about all the goals and dreams you made come true. I'd love for you to share one or two with me, if you'd like!

Love, me.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

When bad things happen to good people

I've recently spoken about that "good thing we don't what's to come".
How true it is.
When the woman I count as my closest friend found out she has cancer, the day before New Year's Eve, I sure wanted to turn the process of time and make go backwards.

There's nothing to say, nothing to do.
There's only hugging and listening, nothing else.

There's fear and chock, there's hopelessness and hope.

And there's the "why?".

Why her? She's had a hard enough life. She's such a very good person: generous, kind and loving.
It's not fair and I know: life isn't fair,

Of course she'll beat it, I know she will.

All you out there: appreciate every minute with those you love. Please.
I shall not whine over knees or tire, I shall be there for my friend and offer love and my ears.

The new year will mean new challenges for us all, please take excellent care of yourselves and those you treasure.

/ me