"The very thing I love is what's killing me and I can't conquer it"

Yes, that's what Eminem raps in the fab  song "Monster".
I instantly froze when I heard it, cause THAT'S it! That's the feeling, the circle, the closure maybe even, that I have been searching my inside for, for so many years. That's the dilemma, that's the big question for me as well as a big answer.
That's also what makes me feel I can relate to so much of the poetry signed Eminem or Marshall Mathers. That's the genius, or part of it, that he offers: he puts into words emotions and enigmas that are so deep or so unknown it would seem impossible to.

That's brilliant!

Here's my take on it:

It seems when things are hard in life, they are very emotinally demanding for me, since I'm one of those people that feel emotions strongly. I feel fear, worry or sadness strongly but I also feel happiness, anticipation and enthusiasm strongly - a roller coeaster, kind of and never ever boring!
So, when things are hard at work I can very well cry in the evenings or Sundays and feel I might just quit (of course I never do) and then the weirdness occurs when things are just smooth: I get utterly bored!!! That equation made me think there was something wrong with my brain, almost. Then Marshall's lyrics hit me and I understood the whole concept: those horrible times that make me weep and squirm and have nightmares are also the experiences that I learn from and grow from and that growth is a huge kick for me, it's something I must have and need in order to have a full and evolving life.
At the same time I feel these horrors kill me when they occur: I can't sleep, I feel nauseated I have nightmares when I do sleep and still... Boredom is worse. When nothing happens I feel blue.

I've read some Paulo Coelho lately and I've found that he regards these very topics too, sometimes, and so I guess it is part of life.
I also know that not all people feel this, my husband doesn't.
Maybe it is like Marshall says in an interview with "Rolling stone" magazine:
-If my parents would have been different maybe I wouldn't have been so fucked up?
This I'll never know, of course, I just know that I am fucked up in the same way. Sometimes it seems that it might kill me all these emotions and at the same time the kicks lift me way up into the universe after my latest victory, even when the victory is simply having lived through a failure.
Do you get what I'm trying to say?

I've noticed this, about me, lately:
I come across as happy-go-lucky and cheery. I come across as warm and considerate. That's stage one when people meet me.
Those that get to know me a little more will later notice that I'm flexible and easy to get along with and co-work with. They will also see that I'm full of emotions, 'cuz I'll react stronger than some when it comes to making decisions that will affect people in a bad way and for sure dislike delivering bad news, that will make me squirm.
After having seen that about me (and often thinking "aha, that's it, that's her we got her now") there comes the strong assertive side that will put that foot down with an impact and that usually creates silence in a whole room, since it's that unexpected!
I rarely do it but when I do..... I mean business.
I have all these "me:s" inside and I wasn't really clear about that until now, after six months on my new job. A job that has been damanding, to say the least, for me and a challenge in all of the above. I've made hard decisions that made people sad and mad, I've delivered harsh news that made people cry and I've cried a whole lot too, both at home and twice at work!!! Jeez and go figure.
I've despaired and then after a process I've felt invinsible and like a new me over and over.
It's fascinating.
I hate it and love it - will never conquer it.

There it is, finally put in writing.
I can never get it into a sentence as brilliantly put as Eminen but that sentence sunk deep into my soul.

Have a fab week all of you out there!
If anyone has a thought to share on this subject I'd be thrilled to hear it, since it's on my mind daily.

/C, formerly known as A ;-)

Boy, do I love to be able to feel such joy!

Having "it all".

When I read Paulo Coelho's words on visions and goals (went something like: "Once they were visions and dreams, now you've made them come true") I immediately thought of Jada Pinkett Smith's words when she talked of "having it all", emphazising that "it all" means different things for everybody. I liked that and I agree, with both statements.

I sunk into Paulo's words and thought back, way back at first, to when I was a kid and dreamed of an exciting life with travels and a handsome and smart and loving husband. Semi-way-back, when I for sure had found that husband kind of recently, we'd both dream of living in a house with some kind of garden and maybe having a child together and a dog.
I'd dream, very secretly, of working as a manager, mainly because it seemed very difficult and equally exciting. My husband would dream of getting a PhD.
Today we live in a small house, with an even smaller garden  - but it IS a garden! We have a son and a dog and I work as a manager and have done so for over six years. My husband got his PhD and is now in the process of fullfilling yet another very old dream: one of studying to become an economist (he got a job already as an economist).

When I got to thinking about all this I felt it was actually mindblowing and I couldn't comprehend that I didn't think about it more often! I mean, they were distant dreams and goals and almost all we could think about and talk about, especially the house part. Now we live it. What happened? Why don't we rejoice like crazy all the time? We're living the dream and we sure have "it all". We're insanely in love also, still after 15 years, it's incredible!

Another even more sought after and essential thing that I would dream about, was a life without fear. I have that too, since six years.
Unbelievable.

So, you see why Paulo's and Jada's words struck me!

We live our dreams and we have it all and I am very happy about that, I often think about how lucky I am. At the same time it amazes me that we seem to not even notice when we reach our dreams. It seems to be the same phenomenon as the one that strikes us, in a bad way, when we slide into toxic relationships and don't quite understand when "a relationship" turns into a "bad relationship" and then "a dangerous relationship".
It's mysterious boundaries that are strong and visible at first but turn invisible at a certain point.
Life, eh?!

So, I'd suggest you take a minute to think about all the goals and dreams you made come true. I'd love for you to share one or two with me, if you'd like!

Love, me.

When bad things happen to good people

I've recently spoken about that "good thing we don't what's to come".

How true it is.

When the woman I count as my closest friend found out she has cancer, the day before New Year's Eve, I sure wanted to turn the process of time and make go backwards.

There's nothing to say, nothing to do.

There's only hugging and listening, nothing else.

There's fear and chock, there's hopelessness and hope.

And there's the "why?".

Why her? She's had a hard enough life. She's such a very good person: generous, kind and loving.

It's not fair and I know: life isn't fair,

Of course she'll beat it, I know she will.

All you out there: appreciate every minute with those you love. Please.

I shall not whine over knees or tire, I shall be there for my friend and offer love and my ears.

The new year will mean new challenges for us all, please take excellent care of yourselves and those you treasure.

/ me

Aiming forward

This autumn has been like no other, for me. I've had worse - don't get me wrong, but I've never had as intense work wise.
I've also had to stand up for what I believe in a close relationship and those two facts together meant no blogging of any kind, in any ole blog...

Today is my last day as a 42 year old woman, tomorrow I'll be 43.
Since my birthday occurs when the year only has two more days to offer, I often both sum up and gaze forward. What was this year as 42 like? What will the year as 43 be like?

Spontaneously I'd say the year as 42 was the best year of my life, by far. And without wanting to provoce any forces, I predict 43 will be even better. The older I get, the more I chersich the moments and the days and what's more: the people I truly love. Away with the people and the situations that bring me down and welcome the ones that don't. This year as a 42 year old would be the year when I did just that!
As so often, I guess it's a good thing I didn't know it would happen when I drew my first 42-year-old-breath a little less than a year ago. It is so often like that in life: had you known what would happen you would probably have tried to avoid it or change it but after it is a fact you know it was right and that you grew. Again. More.

So, ending a few flawed things and getting out of a few disharmonic places, were good measures.
Investing all of my creativity and energy into my marriage, was another one. To actively plan dates, choose topics of conversation that interest us and to actively send each other photos via sms and sweet kisses over the phone daily has changed not only our relationship but my life. To clean up in the mind and focusing on this: marriage/love, parenting, exercising and working - nothing more - no scattered emotions or divided commitment is the trick. Realizing this is the hard part, the rest is pure joy!
And boy, does it work! I long for the husband at the end of the day and I cherish the weekends like they were actual diamonds of time.
As a bonus effect I like myself better and get to watch myself as from outside of myself. I take a look at what I want to be like and then I start being that. It makes us both happy and that happiness is contagious.

So, the me that was 42 managed some crisis both at work and in close relationships and also drove my marriage (or my 100% of it) from good to grand and hence my life from great to fabulous.
Well done me!

For the upcoming year (it's only 12 months, seems so short) as a 43 year old woman I aim for even more passion, I love passion in life, and I aim to get my exercise into more focus than the autumn's injuries and work schedule could allow for. That's it! Get my body into that shape I've decided on a year ago and have come a long way towards and then increasing the passion further by making myself into the absolut best wife I can possibly be.
I can't wait!

Love that man.

The 42 year old got the bad-ass haircut she wanted.
Thank you Jada, for providing divine inspiration!

After the long autumn with crazy work weeks, the one
thing I could do on vaca day 1 was lying on the floor...

The joy of giving my firstborn a legacy x-mas gift!

The joy of spending precious quality time with them!
Yes, I'm a firm believer of quality time - no matter what the hype says.
(the 42,5 year also don't give a crap what anyone else thinks about her sh*t!!) 

Husband and wife got good at playing, appreciating each other.

Those darn Runner's knees won't stop me.

Take a good look, in five hours the 42 year old is history!!

Have a great evening/morning out there <3

//C

Greatness

Greatness.
I think we may all strive for that, some of us will admit it and others won't. I think that in the US it is commonly known that you should strive for it and up here where I live it's commonly considered shameful to strive for it. You shouldn't actually think you are "all that" and think you could reach greatness.

I think we are all great. We are, we're great at something and we do great things every day. Even if that may be considered greatness in the smaller every-day kind of context it is none the less important.

The regular "true greatness-greatness" that might be considered more grand and huge and brave, may be something we do more seldom or are part of more rarely. I listened to a person I admire, talking about greatness, and he said something that I immediately thought I must regard in my blog:
"greatness comes from almost dying but making it and then knowing nothing can break you", that's what he said.
It got my mind spinning! So much so, I started writing a longer text about it.

I'm sure some of you have experienced this form of "almost dying and making it" and I know I have. For me it was a lethal abusive relationship that meant 18 years of fear that didn't kill me (only almost) and made me know I won't break. It did, it provided that.
I often think about what kind of person I might have been, not having had that experience, but it's impossible even guessing. It would be someone far from who I am today, that much I know.

Greatness means inspiration, of course, and I notice over and over in life how I get inspired by people who have overcome hardships. People who "almost died but didn't" never complain and never wish bad things for others, instead they cheer good things on and enthuse. When you're so excited to be alive, to still be standing (and standing tall, at that!) you want to embrace every new day, every new possibility. And, wow, that stuff spreads!

Even now, writing this, I feel "great". That inner strength that comes with the unbreakability is a kind of harmony and feels good leaning on - and that's in ME!

There is one person in my life who really has reached greatness and that is my firstborn son. Yes, the reader who is slightly awake still (!) realises that very son was born into that lethal relationship I speak of above. He was born into hell and made it out 16 years later, so strong, so solid, with a deep, vast and warm heart and he truly is great. People that come near him, want to stay there.
I want him to stay here, whenever he visits!

Some pics from IG and iPhone, below, from around the time of his latest visit with his ever lovely girl:

They're here!!!

I am a happy woman.

Mr Funkie is well behaved!

My son helped my hubs with the Apple-TV...

Everyone is happy they're here!!!

B-day playing <3

Off for raspberry picking and beach:ing!

Surf's up!

Fun with that ice cold water..! (about 18 degrees Celsius)

Bathing with our pup <3

Young love!

That's MY son!

The viking lady - just running in to the icy ocean :-)

Kinect time!

!!!

She's so precious. I couldn't be happier with my son's choice <3

I love so much. He's my biggest role model.

I'm in awe and feel humble about the love we share, my boys and I and my husband and I. I am very thankful and grateful and I don't take my happy days for granted, at all.

A new week is here, folks!

I'll start every day as if it were on purpose and I'll catch the opportunities as they come along. Hope you feel you can too :-) Have a great week!