Sunday, February 16, 2014

"The very thing I love is what's killing me and I can't conquer it"

Yes, that's what Eminem raps in the fab  song "Monster".
I instantly froze when I heard it, cause THAT'S it! That's the feeling, the circle, the closure maybe even, that I have been searching my inside for, for so many years. That's the dilemma, that's the big question for me as well as a big answer.
That's also what makes me feel I can relate to so much of the poetry signed Eminem or Marshall Mathers. That's the genius, or part of it, that he offers: he puts into words emotions and enigmas that are so deep or so unknown it would seem impossible to.

That's brilliant!

Here's my take on it:

It seems when things are hard in life, they are very emotinally demanding for me, since I'm one of those people that feel emotions strongly. I feel fear, worry or sadness strongly but I also feel happiness, anticipation and enthusiasm strongly - a roller coeaster, kind of and never ever boring!
So, when things are hard at work I can very well cry in the evenings or Sundays and feel I might just quit (of course I never do) and then the weirdness occurs when things are just smooth: I get utterly bored!!! That equation made me think there was something wrong with my brain, almost. Then Marshall's lyrics hit me and I understood the whole concept: those horrible times that make me weep and squirm and have nightmares are also the experiences that I learn from and grow from and that growth is a huge kick for me, it's something I must have and need in order to have a full and evolving life.
At the same time I feel these horrors kill me when they occur: I can't sleep, I feel nauseated I have nightmares when I do sleep and still... Boredom is worse. When nothing happens I feel blue.

I've read some Paulo Coelho lately and I've found that he regards these very topics too, sometimes, and so I guess it is part of life.
I also know that not all people feel this, my husband doesn't.
Maybe it is like Marshall says in an interview with "Rolling stone" magazine:
-If my parents would have been different maybe I wouldn't have been so fucked up?
This I'll never know, of course, I just know that I am fucked up in the same way. Sometimes it seems that it might kill me all these emotions and at the same time the kicks lift me way up into the universe after my latest victory, even when the victory is simply having lived through a failure.
Do you get what I'm trying to say?

I've noticed this, about me, lately:
I come across as happy-go-lucky and cheery. I come across as warm and considerate. That's stage one when people meet me.
Those that get to know me a little more will later notice that I'm flexible and easy to get along with and co-work with. They will also see that I'm full of emotions, 'cuz I'll react stronger than some when it comes to making decisions that will affect people in a bad way and for sure dislike delivering bad news, that will make me squirm.
After having seen that about me (and often thinking "aha, that's it, that's her we got her now") there comes the strong assertive side that will put that foot down with an impact and that usually creates silence in a whole room, since it's that unexpected!
I rarely do it but when I do..... I mean business.
I have all these "me:s" inside and I wasn't really clear about that until now, after six months on my new job. A job that has been damanding, to say the least, for me and a challenge in all of the above. I've made hard decisions that made people sad and mad, I've delivered harsh news that made people cry and I've cried a whole lot too, both at home and twice at work!!! Jeez and go figure.
I've despaired and then after a process I've felt invinsible and like a new me over and over.
It's fascinating.
I hate it and love it - will never conquer it.

There it is, finally put in writing.
I can never get it into a sentence as brilliantly put as Eminen but that sentence sunk deep into my soul.

Have a fab week all of you out there!
If anyone has a thought to share on this subject I'd be thrilled to hear it, since it's on my mind daily.

/C, formerly known as A ;-)

Boy, do I love to be able to feel such joy!

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