Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Inner walls

I guess we all have them: invisible walls within, walls that serve some purpose or maybe used to serve a purpose and then stayed there, from habit.

I have one wall that never fails to tell me, it seems, that I shouldn't trust my gut feeling. I especially find this wall within the work-me and I listen to it but recent years it doesn't take me as long to overthrow it as it used to. I will listen to the voice, make a decision and then I'll go:
 "Wait a minute, I should trust my gut feeling" and then I do.
Of course it works because my gut feeling always works. The times I get into trouble is when I don't listen!

Another time I feel an inner wall is when I'm subject of "rule techniques" (I have no idea if this a term in english but it means when people try to dominate over you using techniques like ignoring what you say, not including you in a conversation or not giving you the information you need in order to make a decision or belittling what you say by laughing at it or other kind of techniques used mostly by men towards female that threaten them but also by females of course) and I don't answer back. Of course this is what rule techniques are about: making you defenseless - but still - however subtle the person is acting that way I'd love to be able to just speak out that "You can't put me down, you'll have to kill me to shut me up!"
Mostly I don't but sometimes I do, like when I stood up in that male locker room a few weeks ago where my youngest son changed together with the other soccer playing boys and their fathers and most fathers joked about how the mothers where supposed to do the soccer laundry and if the mothers couldn't then the grandmothers should or a neighbour's mother..... so on.
I ignored my inner wall at that point and spoke up, that in our home it has to be the father doing laundry, cuz I never do it and sure won't start now!

My inner wall told me after: "Told you so!" when the men in the room looked at me like I was a bitch and looked at my husband like he was to be pitied by having chosen me for a wife.
Oh, I dwelled for weeks and then let go and kept going to soccer cups and locker rooms - cuz they cannot put me down! No freaking way!
And seriously, if you yourself won't speak up for you, no one else will. I want my son to see that you should stand up for what you believe and I didn't want any of those boys hearing those men saying those things and not having anyone opposing to it.
It really is simple and yet, so hard to take that role, demand that space and afterwards being regarded as .... oh, I can't find words even now.

Recently my husband discovered a wall and he did so when the wall withered and disappeared and when it did he felt relieved and happy about it. He didn't know he had that wall, you see.
This unexpected experience occured this summer when he took on a summer job, since he is busy "re schooling" himself into another profession. The summer job is taking care of elderly people and helping them in their homes with cleaning, cooking, doing laundry and helping them shower.
My husband has always been a person who dislikes being physical with anyone but me. He doesn't like hugging people or putting sun lotion on someone and he never used to share emotions or even private thoughts with anyone but me.
This characteristics naturally meant he never really bonded with anyone but me. Not with his older children, that ha has from a very difficult life situation and not with my son that I have from a previous "life".
It's not that he ever felt he didn't want to, it was more like he didn't know how to be intimate emotionally.
When he was a baby his mother was injured badly and wasn't allowed to carry my husband and so he grew up without physical closeness and never was comfortable with it.
I have always noticed this and we've talked about his shortcomings in this area, all without any result.
Then he got himself this summer job...
He cleans old ladies and old gentlemen, he's exposed to their awkwardness of having a strange man coming so close to them and he has totally overcome his own awkwardness. He didn't notice when it happened, he only felt one day that some barrier inside him all of a sudden was gone.
More so: he likes helping people, listening to their stories and wishes and he enjoys being there for them. These emotions are all new to him and it has been a revelation for him!
I see it clearly, since it's like he has been lit up from the inside in a whole new way.

Isn't life just grand, unexpected and fascinating?!
He inspires me also, to see how vast my own heart is and how I can extend that very heart further.


Some IG-pics or simply some iPhone-pics for you, coming up!

Rushing to a friend's birthday party I got this frightening look in the screen, 
trying for a foot shoot!!

My friend's husband had promised her BBQ for the party and he stood by 
his word even though the summer day was sooooo Swedish!

Kiddos enjoying!

Yeah, there was still a cup waiting, even though the finale for the soccer boys had been days earlier... Now they won't practice for, like, four weeks.... Eh?!!
Well, I'm there - even in the locker room LOL!

And so vaca found me.

On unusual times hubs will study (after work...) where I watch a movie and have a glass of wine.
My hero!

We get lots of "us time" this summer <3

We try to carpe those rare diem-times we get together. I so want him 
to get to feel that it is summer, even if he always works or studies.

Our lovely surroundings are more than enough and 
leaves me wanting for no traveling this year.

I dragged him to the beach one day but can't force his eyes open in a pic, though..!!
Hahahaha :-)

It turned out quite fun!

Summer is here!!

A flower in all that sand. That's what I aim to be!

Need I say that I love this place?

The Brave Boy!


He paid us a visit, buying coffee for us and ice cream for the boy!

I told him to pose.... Remarking on how very Kennedy-like he was!

Naturally he instantly had to wave...

Changing clothes at the beach never is easy...

But it looks like fun :-)

It is a hard job, having the whole pack at home so much. 
The guard dog is exhausted...

Now we're in the middle of the week when our dearest friends are here for a visit. We have so many things to tell them and so many places to show them! Summer and vacation lifts the soul, that's for sure.

I certainly hope all you out there are having great days in life and that you too look into the heart in order to find out just how vast it can be and how deep you can dig!

Be safe! Have fun!

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