Wednesday, June 26, 2013


Here I go again, with a topic I have no clue how it's going to end up.

This is how I roll: I think of a blog topic, an interesting topic, that I feel strongly for and I write the topic down in the notepad in the iPhone. Usually I'm at the commute train when I do it and it can then sit there for weeks, until I'm ready to write about it.

One of my role models, Jada Pinkett Smith, wrote a FB-update on abandonment and hat post was about a step parent first stepping in and then, unfortunately, stepping out.
I have multiple thoughts on that.
I have not had a step parent, though lord knows I wished my parents would divorce and stop fighting, but I have been/am a step parent and I am married to a man sho is a step parent.

Being a step parent is difficult!
Both for the obvious reasons but also for a heap of other ones.

If you enter a new realtionship, where there are children involved, and you both carry heavy burdons of "past" with you and already drag a lot of guilt with you, it can be darn near impossible to allow yourself to feel and give anything more than a minimum.

Let me break it down for you: your kid/s have/had a hard childhood because of the situation to which they were born. Maybe their mother is mentally ill and maybe the father abused the mother and all horrifics that come with that. Then the parent in charge, who's left with the mess, needs to give it all to the child/children. That's only fair and it's the human and parently thing to do.
Along comes another half family with similar hardships where the parent in charge needs to give the child/children it all.
No effort to be made towards any other child, for then the feeling of guilt would overwhelm.

In comes the step parents but not a whole lot of love.
Guilt, blame and anguish is present, in a mix, and from the kids' perspective: disappointment.

I take my step parent failures seriously and I think more and more about it. I have been dwelling for years on how to talk about the past and try to fix what broke.
What broke for me and for my husband is what I describe above: we both needed to give all we had to our own kids and not much to each others' children. Why? Because our own kids suffered and were in acute situations, for years...
That made the step family experience half and not satisfactory and still it was all (and more) than we could manage at the time.

Then I saw my hair creator and we got to talking about that...
She said with plain simplicity: "You don't have to dwell on the past, you can just move forward and heal. Have fun and make room, you know." Well, I didn't know. Until then. As easy as that seemed, as brilliant it is!
That's how I'll do it and go about it.
Catch the ball now and run with it.

I know I have a whole lot of love to give and I know my stepkids need a whole lot of love, so I'm kind of thinking that might work :-)

As for my own childhood: I broke with my biological parents for quite some years and they weren't in my life when my second born was born. I needed to break in order to mark my boundaries because they simply wouldn't respect them. They would cross them over and over again.
I thought the break might have been for life but it wasn't.
Some time in to the process - maybe three-four years in - there was a moment of forgiveness. My father asked for it and I gave it. My mother still hasn't asked for it but inside of me I forgive her too. It feels good.
But will I forget? Never! I live as an orphan and I'm fine with it.
I have my role models that I've chosen.
My parents did the best they knew how to do.

I guess that's a wrap? It turned out to be another raw blog post about something that I find important.

Now, on to Midsummer photos!
Part 1.

The garden delivers!

And the hunchback disapproves of his wife's eternal photographing manners... ;-)

Time for Midsummer celebration!

The Maypole!!

Midsummer Boy <3

Midsummer girl <3

My son borrowed the camera and shot quite a few shots of his mama!

... he also shot the raw truth of his mama taking a few shots for her IG buddies..!

Dancing around the Maypole :-)

Hubs decided to act as paparazzi but that did not intimidate me, hahaha!!

Kicking back.

The dear kids.

Feeding a rabbit.

Beautiful nature this time of year <3

I'm happy to be doing all the right things this time around with my last born child. We had a good Midsummer. My first born had a good Midsummer on his end, with his sweetheart. Life is treating me good these days!

Now, let's celebrate June 27:th - my first day of VACATION!!!!!
Love, A

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